But to my surprise...the guilt never came. I was waiting patiently the next morning as I layed in bed. Waiting for the urge to exercise off the regret. Waiting to fight back against the voice that tells me I am disgusting. Waiting for the urge to eat only vegetables for the rest of the day.
I felt... good? I felt like eating pancakes and coffee with cream and sugar and laying on my couch. I hadn't felt this way in a really long time and it was weird. My mind was quiet and I felt like a normal person. Had I turned yet ANOTHER corner?
Right when I think I am in a good place, I realize that I have the potential to make even more progress. Could I really escape the guilt and anxiety around calories completely? It seemed possible on that Sunday.
Then...exactly a week later, I had a breakdown.
In a fitting room.
It all began with a casual trip to my parents jacuzzi while Travis and I were in California last weekend. I put on my new-ish swimsuit and to my surprise I was exploding out of it. It was borderline inappropriate. I covered myself embarrassed as I removed my towel to get into the jacuzzi. I guess I didn't realize I had gained more weight...just in my chest apparently. I know, I know, a blessing you say. Trust me, you wouldn't feel that way if you had to carry those things around every day.
Considering I am going to need to wear a bathing suit again for a trip in just a couple of weeks, my first task the following day was to get a new one. My mom and I went store to store and nothing fit me quite right. About 20 swimsuits later, under the florescent light of the Nordstrom fitting room, something in me broke. The tears came pouring and the defeat set in. I wanted so badly to have my old body back. Then the frustration came. I thought I was doing so well and now I am crying in a fitting room imagining how happy I would be if I were thinner. Will I ever be truly happy with myself, will I ever accept myself completely as I am?
I wiped my tears and took some deep breaths. I pulled myself together and walked out of that fitting room.
I guess what I learned from this is that it is important to appreciate how far you've come and to be proud of that. And it is also okay to feel like crap every now and then. But you have to pull yourself together. You have to remind yourself that you are worth it.
The truth is that I know that having a thinner body is not going to make me any happier. And skipping the ice cream that night after dinner was definitely not an option.
I ended up finding the perfect bathing suit at the next store :)