Thursday, March 19, 2015

Today

It has been about 6 years since I began to fall head-first into a quest to be (what I thought was) the ultimate version of myself.  It has been 2 years since a friend asked me if I was eating enough.  It has been nearly 18 months since I realized I had a serious problem.  It has been 11 months since I decided I was ready to change.  It has been 8 months since I decided I was going to dive into a new lifestyle.  It has been 6 months since I bought the new clothes I desperately needed.  It has been 3 months since I really made strides toward body acceptance.

The past two years have been an emotional and physical rollercoaster for me.  And I have come really far in a short period of time.  The truth is, I was so sick of being someone I'm not.  I was so tired of the restriction, the anxiety, the self-hate.

Each day, I feel like I become stronger.  But I want to be honest with myself about where I am, as I still have fears about falling back into old habits. Reminding myself of how far I've come boosts my confidence and my gratitude for the life I have now.  This post is an update on where I am today.

Today was a rest day.  These day's still feel uncomfortable for me.  I have a tendency to want to burn extra energy.  I now know that days off from exercise will not make me gain weight, and I always feel great after I take them.  But I still have an urge to find ways to work out.


Today I ate a lot - despite it being a rest day.  When I am hungry.  I ALWAYS listen to my body.  No more restriction.  I pack healthy snacks.  I look for variety.  I eat sweets when I want them.


Today I didn't feel guilty.  Not exercising no longer makes me feel guilty, nor does eating a lot.  I know that I can trust my body to monitor itself.

Since this looks like a pile of human flesh, I am adding a caption:  This is corned beef and cabbage that I made for St. Patrick's day.  I am half Irish.

Today I liked what I saw in the mirror.  I don't want to imply that every day is like that.  But today I wore a fitted skirt and I looked good!  Becoming obsessed with calories and weight does something funny to your brain.  It makes you hyper-critical of your body.  No matter how thin you get.  My brain is slowly getting used to my new shape.  And I have these fleeting feelings of confidence.


Today I did not weigh myself.  I have weighed myself, probably about every 4-6 weeks for the last several months (after swearing off the scale for almost a year before I was ready).  I used to weigh myself every day, which is like the dumbest thing ever.  The number no longer scares me.  It has stayed within 1-2 pounds of the same number despite the fact that I have had weekends with a lot more eating and drinking than usual.  Because my metabolism is working, I don't have to worry about that anymore.


Today a co-worker talked about her weightwatchers diet.  I thought to myself, I don't miss counting calories.  And I wasn't sure how to act or what to say. So I didn't say much other than, "what happens when you run out of points, do you just starve?"



Today I perused through this fitness magazine that keeps mistakenly getting delivered to me.  I keep getting these and I have been throwing them out because I am afraid they will be triggering for me.  But today I opened it.  I flipped through a few pages and I couldn't believe I let crap like this "inform" me about living healthfully.  I wasn't mad like I thought I'd be reading through it, but I did feel sad.  Sad for the old me who let this make me feel terrible about myself.



Today I feel happy.  I feel like myself again and I am not going back.


4 comments:

  1. This beautiful post rang so close to home for me! I loved and adored reading it. I admire you for being able to step on the scale, that thing still terrifies me. I plan to write a similar post tonight about the last couple of weeks. You're incredible!

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    1. Thanks Cait, that means so much coming from you! You and your blog inspired me to open up about what I was going through. The scale thing is interesting. For me, it helped to see that my weight finally stabilized after a year of gaining. I can't wait to see what you have in store!

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  2. This is so inspiring! Ive been battling a restrictive eating disorder off and on for years and really like the purspective you have! Definately hard to re-wire habits!

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    1. Thank you Claire! I knew I was finally ready to recover for good, but those thoughts still linger and I am afraid to fall back into old habits. It is reassuring to know that others understand.

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