Thursday, March 19, 2015


It has been about 6 years since I began to fall head-first into a quest to be (what I thought was) the ultimate version of myself.  It has been 2 years since a friend asked me if I was eating enough.  It has been nearly 18 months since I realized I had a serious problem.  It has been 11 months since I decided I was ready to change.  It has been 8 months since I decided I was going to dive into a new lifestyle.  It has been 6 months since I bought the new clothes I desperately needed.  It has been 3 months since I really made strides toward body acceptance.

The past two years have been an emotional and physical rollercoaster for me.  And I have come really far in a short period of time.  The truth is, I was so sick of being someone I'm not.  I was so tired of the restriction, the anxiety, the self-hate.

Each day, I feel like I become stronger.  But I want to be honest with myself about where I am, as I still have fears about falling back into old habits. Reminding myself of how far I've come boosts my confidence and my gratitude for the life I have now.  This post is an update on where I am today.

Today was a rest day.  These day's still feel uncomfortable for me.  I have a tendency to want to burn extra energy.  I now know that days off from exercise will not make me gain weight, and I always feel great after I take them.  But I still have an urge to find ways to work out.

Today I ate a lot - despite it being a rest day.  When I am hungry.  I ALWAYS listen to my body.  No more restriction.  I pack healthy snacks.  I look for variety.  I eat sweets when I want them.

Today I didn't feel guilty.  Not exercising no longer makes me feel guilty, nor does eating a lot.  I know that I can trust my body to monitor itself.

Since this looks like a pile of human flesh, I am adding a caption:  This is corned beef and cabbage that I made for St. Patrick's day.  I am half Irish.

Today I liked what I saw in the mirror.  I don't want to imply that every day is like that.  But today I wore a fitted skirt and I looked good!  Becoming obsessed with calories and weight does something funny to your brain.  It makes you hyper-critical of your body.  No matter how thin you get.  My brain is slowly getting used to my new shape.  And I have these fleeting feelings of confidence.

Today I did not weigh myself.  I have weighed myself, probably about every 4-6 weeks for the last several months (after swearing off the scale for almost a year before I was ready).  I used to weigh myself every day, which is like the dumbest thing ever.  The number no longer scares me.  It has stayed within 1-2 pounds of the same number despite the fact that I have had weekends with a lot more eating and drinking than usual.  Because my metabolism is working, I don't have to worry about that anymore.

Today a co-worker talked about her weightwatchers diet.  I thought to myself, I don't miss counting calories.  And I wasn't sure how to act or what to say. So I didn't say much other than, "what happens when you run out of points, do you just starve?"

Today I perused through this fitness magazine that keeps mistakenly getting delivered to me.  I keep getting these and I have been throwing them out because I am afraid they will be triggering for me.  But today I opened it.  I flipped through a few pages and I couldn't believe I let crap like this "inform" me about living healthfully.  I wasn't mad like I thought I'd be reading through it, but I did feel sad.  Sad for the old me who let this make me feel terrible about myself.

Today I feel happy.  I feel like myself again and I am not going back.


  1. This beautiful post rang so close to home for me! I loved and adored reading it. I admire you for being able to step on the scale, that thing still terrifies me. I plan to write a similar post tonight about the last couple of weeks. You're incredible!

    1. Thanks Cait, that means so much coming from you! You and your blog inspired me to open up about what I was going through. The scale thing is interesting. For me, it helped to see that my weight finally stabilized after a year of gaining. I can't wait to see what you have in store!

  2. This is so inspiring! Ive been battling a restrictive eating disorder off and on for years and really like the purspective you have! Definately hard to re-wire habits!

    1. Thank you Claire! I knew I was finally ready to recover for good, but those thoughts still linger and I am afraid to fall back into old habits. It is reassuring to know that others understand.