The past two years have been an emotional and physical rollercoaster for me. And I have come really far in a short period of time. The truth is, I was so sick of being someone I'm not. I was so tired of the restriction, the anxiety, the self-hate.
Each day, I feel like I become stronger. But I want to be honest with myself about where I am, as I still have fears about falling back into old habits. Reminding myself of how far I've come boosts my confidence and my gratitude for the life I have now. This post is an update on where I am today.
Today was a rest day. These day's still feel uncomfortable for me. I have a tendency to want to burn extra energy. I now know that days off from exercise will not make me gain weight, and I always feel great after I take them. But I still have an urge to find ways to work out.
Today I ate a lot - despite it being a rest day. When I am hungry. I ALWAYS listen to my body. No more restriction. I pack healthy snacks. I look for variety. I eat sweets when I want them.
Today I didn't feel guilty. Not exercising no longer makes me feel guilty, nor does eating a lot. I know that I can trust my body to monitor itself.
Since this looks like a pile of human flesh, I am adding a caption: This is corned beef and cabbage that I made for St. Patrick's day. I am half Irish.
Today I liked what I saw in the mirror. I don't want to imply that every day is like that. But today I wore a fitted skirt and I looked good! Becoming obsessed with calories and weight does something funny to your brain. It makes you hyper-critical of your body. No matter how thin you get. My brain is slowly getting used to my new shape. And I have these fleeting feelings of confidence.
Today I did not weigh myself. I have weighed myself, probably about every 4-6 weeks for the last several months (after swearing off the scale for almost a year before I was ready). I used to weigh myself every day, which is like the dumbest thing ever. The number no longer scares me. It has stayed within 1-2 pounds of the same number despite the fact that I have had weekends with a lot more eating and drinking than usual. Because my metabolism is working, I don't have to worry about that anymore.
Today a co-worker talked about her weightwatchers diet. I thought to myself, I don't miss counting calories. And I wasn't sure how to act or what to say. So I didn't say much other than, "what happens when you run out of points, do you just starve?"
Today I perused through this fitness magazine that keeps mistakenly getting delivered to me. I keep getting these and I have been throwing them out because I am afraid they will be triggering for me. But today I opened it. I flipped through a few pages and I couldn't believe I let crap like this "inform" me about living healthfully. I wasn't mad like I thought I'd be reading through it, but I did feel sad. Sad for the old me who let this make me feel terrible about myself.
Today I feel happy. I feel like myself again and I am not going back.