Hot chocolate. One of my favorite winter treats. With milk AND water AND marshmallows.
Beginning about 6 years ago, I decided that hot chocolate was not something I could have. It was not nutritious, it was "empty" calories, and it was off limits. I decided that I did not deserve hot chocolate any more.
Over the past year, most of my friends know that I have made big changes to change my restrictive, black and white mindset. Many of them may have had a latte with me at Starbucks since then. Or had wine with me at happy hour. Or seen me eat a steak with french fries.
Those activities aren't difficult for me anymore. I sometimes feel some twinges of guilt the next day, but I am able to enjoy those moments without anxiety.
But many of my friends don't know, that I still have a hard time letting myself enjoy "indulgences" that I love when I am alone. For example, it feels great to share a latte with a friend, but I would not buy myself a latte to enjoy alone without a "legitimate reason." I would not grab myself a cheeseburger on a night I am eating on my own. I would not have a bowl of ice cream without someone to share it with.
But why? Am I still stuck in old habits, hanging on to old misconceptions about calories, and clinging to my fears around gaining weight? Are these "unhealthy" foods only okay in certain social situations? Do I think that I don't deserve these sorts of pleasures without a reason?
I decided that this is something I need to change.
So yesterday I had a hot chocolate with marshmallows.
And I am having another one now.
Because it is snowing, and I because I am cold, and because I deserve it.