I have been wanting to write about something that I think was the root of a lot of my issues with food and exercise. I have been thinking a lot about who I am lately.
I think that when I graduated college, moved to a new city, and no longer had my grades and activities I cherished, I sort of lost myself. I filled that void by becoming focused on perfecting my body. It gave me a goal of losing weight, it gave me a new persona of "healthy and fit", it all gave me a new sense of self.
But I realize now that I am not how I look. I can be healthy without that being the basis of my identity. And I can be unhealthy if I want without any guilt. The real me is not made to be that f***ing skinny either! When I started really fixing my relationship with food and exercise, I realized I didn't know who I was without the calorie counting, meal planning, and compulsive exercising. I felt empty again. I am not a varsity cheerleader any more, I am not a student working to be on the Dean's list, and I am not the campus tour guide who tries to inspire others to come to her beloved school (go UCSB!).
But I am doing some digging, trying to listen to my true desires and here is what I have come up with...
I care deeply about my friends, even though I am terrible at staying in touch.
I am pretty hilarious.
I love fresh flowers and candles, and incense, and anything that sets a mood.
I can figure out complex problems on my own.
I tend to underestimate myself and sell myself short.
I love to cook and bake and I love to eat everything I make.
I feel strangely close to random strangers.
I am not perfect, and I am starting to realize that that's OK.
I like to eat food that is slightly charred on the outside...I know Kimberlyn, I am going to get cancer...
I am pretty needy, just overall...
I do not have a good fashion sense. But I can copy my trendy friends and look pretty good.
I love really hot days, and the beach, and both of those together...
And I know how it feels to ache with love for someone.
Anyone else have an identity crisis after college?