So here I am telling you that I am doing great. That I couldn't be happier. That I no longer abide by food rules, get anxiety about unhealthy meals, or feel guilty after I eat indulgent treats.
But in all honesty, the past couple of days have been rough and I am trying to understand if I should try to understand why, or if I should focus on the next moment.
Friday morning I felt good and was up early, so I went on an easy jog and walked to and from work. But Friday was supposed to be a rest day... not a big deal, right? I am afraid that the feeling of "getting ahead" with an extra workout opened the door for some ugly thoughts later that day.
Then later on Friday night, Travis and I decided to roast a rack of lamb to have with our favorite wine. Yum! I was excited, I love lamb...
But then I got a glance at the number of calories on the packaging. And the excitement immediately drained and I felt the heat and tension start to rise up my neck. My mind started calculating ways to limit the amount of lamb I would eat.
I could make tons of vegetables, and only have a small piece of lamb. I could not have wine with dinner. I could workout really hard on Saturday. I didn't need more than a few bites of lamb...
I became anxious and I couldn't laugh at my goofball-boyfriend's jokes. I couldn't chat about our Machu Picchu trip and how excited I was. I could only think about the fact that I shouldn't be eating dinners like this. That I could save so many calories if I just had a salad.
These are the thoughts that used to consume me and they are the ones I thought were normal. I thought these thoughts were keeping me healthy. But they weren't. Maybe they were keeping me thin, but they were also keeping me miserable.
It is actually quite the conundrum.
But it helps to use some logic to remind myself I am better than this...
1) Science says (i.e. my dietitian) that a meal like that is not going to cause me to gain weight. I would need to eat an excess of 3500 in a week to gain 1 pound. And the meal I was going to consume was probably 750 calories tops.
2) My body says that I like fat and I need calories. When I didn't eat enough, my metabolism slowed to a snail's pace, and I am trying to get it back in line.
3) My body also says that fat keeps me full and everything will balance out in the end. Meaning I probably won't have fat cravings later in the weekend because I will have satisfied that need.
4) My head says that this meal is keeping me alive. I am so lucky to be able to be nourished by such delicacies like a beautiful rack of lamb.
5) My head does not say, but should say, so I am telling it to say, that even if I do gain weight from this meal or more meals like this, that it's OK, because it means that I still need to gain more to reach my set point. I am incredibly healthy, and gaining more weight will not make me any less so.
I am more than a number on the scale.
6) My heart says that this meal is a big part of this special moment I get to share with Travis, and I am grateful for every meal and every memory we make together.
So I ate more than I planned. I ate until I was satisfied. I drank the wine.
And I even went out to another decadent dinner the next night. It was uncomfortable. But it was also lovely.
These thoughts pop in from time to time, and I can't seem to understand why, knowing what I know now.
But I am OK. I am better than OK.
And I am hoping these thoughts continue to get less and less frequent.