Thursday, August 7, 2014

Clothes

Tonight I decided it was time to stop secretly hoping that I would someday fit back into the small sizes I wore just a few months ago.  I have already cleaned out my closet once before, when I first decided to stop strictly counting calories and exercising excessively.  But these clothes were my "bigger" small clothes, and now they don't fit either.  I shed a tear when I tried on the first dress that was nowhere close to zipping.  But it got easier as I started pulling out one pair of pants after the other and the stack grew.

Part of me was holding off on doing this task because maybe, just maybe I would naturally get thinner again and maybe they would just happen to fit again.  But I know these are the types of thoughts that are going to make this process a lot harder and a lot worse for me in the long run.

So today is the day.

I know I am doing everything right and I know I can trust my body to stop gaining weight when it is ready.  It is pretty unlikely that I am going to drop weight and the truth is, it doesn't matter, it shouldn't matter.  This is about NOT CARING about my size and JUST LIVING.  I am not saying I am 100% there yet, but I am eons further than I was a year ago and even a little further than I was a week ago...


Anyone know anyone who needs 10 pairs of size too small pants, some shorts and a few dresses?  Or any ideas for how to sell or donate?

Here is a new dress that fits just right - to remind myself that the stick figure I used to be is not nearly as cute as me now (positive self talk?)

That old me would have felt terrible about herself after a night of drinking and cake-eating at a close friend's wedding last weekend.  And would have spent an extra hour at the gym the next day.


Yes, I wore the unicorn head and Travis felt the need to cop a feel.

That old me NEVER would have baked her awesome coworker these wonderful peanut butter bars for her birthday this week, cause god forbid she lost control and had a bite...


Check out the recipe here.  There are only five ingredients and one of them is bisquick!!

The point is that it is hard to let go of the old me in some ways.  But in other ways it is so liberating and it feels awesome.  Maybe soon the memory of the old me will fade away and my brain will get to know the new me and completely accept who she is and how she looks.


Anyone else feel bad, but also strangely good, getting rid of old clothes that no longer fit?

Anyone sick of me talking in the third person?




11 comments:

  1. You are BEAUTIFUL!! Your story/words give me the inspiration and courage to keep on in my recovery. You are one of my hero's. Keep on keeping on!!!

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    1. That means so much to me. Such a great reminder that everything I am doing is worth it. There are so many ups and downs but we just have to keep on doing the right thing. Hang in there!!

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  2. been there! it was (is?) super hard, especially when i loved and spent some change on those clothes. alas- small price to pay for sanity

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    1. Oh my gosh, that is the worst. I splurged on a lot of those clothes cause I felt so hot and trendy at the time. My closet looks so barren now and I can't bring myself to spend a lot of money on new stuff because I want to be open to the fact that I may still need to gain a little more weight. Uff :(

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  3. also, i can't emphasize enough how AWESOME you look!

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    1. Thanks my friend. You are looking hot yourself these days! I need to see that pink hair in person, are you coming back to DC anytime soon?

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  4. hot damn, that dress looks like it was made for you! you look amazing!!!! ow ow!!

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    1. Thank you, Tiffany! I didn't mean to fish for compliments with this post, but it is an awesome side effect ;) I got that dress for like $40 on Lulus, the online store. Its a little tight, but it shows the curves - ha.

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  5. I've been reading your blog for a while now. I'm going through the same things as you are, probably a few steps behind you, and I just wanted to tell you how much encouragement your struggles and perseverance help me along on my own, often difficult journey. Just the other day, I almost burst into tears when my jeans struggled to button and a special occasion dress that was previously very loose was just a little too snug for comfort. I'm also grappling with similar exercise issues. When it just becomes a little too much for me, reading your posts always makes me feel stronger and inspires me to keep going. Thanks so much and good luck to you!!

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    1. Thank you for commenting Jessica, reading this made my day - not that you are going through what I am, because I know it is incredibly tough, but the fact that you are feeling stronger and taking steps to be happy. The clothes part is the hardest to come to terms with. I just try to remind myself that they are just clothes and like the scale, they don't deserve to have power over me - I have so many other things to live for and be proud of. It is such a long process, I wish I could snap my fingers and be over it all, but it is no where close to that easy. Hang in there because it gets easier and easier with time.

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    2. You're totally right. My first active step was to get rid of the scale, and it was the first thing that really worked for me. I should think about clothes the same way. It's just so hard sometimes to remember that I'm not losing control, but rather gaining control, and that I'm on my way to a better place where it's not all about me but more about the people around me and the experiences in my life. Thanks for reminding all of us about that through your openness on your blog!

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