This weekend was amazing. I got to meet one of my favorite bloggers, Caitlin, dined at one of my favorite restaurants, Estadio, and spent Sunday in the sun with drinks and great friends.
But I need to admit that I am having a difficult time today coping with guilt, regret, and the frustration that I haven’t moved beyond some negative feelings today.
I have made so many positive changes in my life over the past several months. I have kicked old restrictive eating patterns and started changing my focus from body perfection to self-acceptance. My weekends lately have been carefree, eating and drinking what I want, and appreciating my stronger, happier body.
But this Spring has been full of weekend trips, lots of drinking, and more rest days from exercise. While I have felt good for many weeks – I am feeling pretty bad about myself today.
My pants are feeling really snug and I cannot stop thinking about my lack of self-control yesterday - how I wish I hadn’t had so much to drink, that I should have exercised more, and that I definitely shouldn’t have eaten that Ben and Jerry’s ice cream last night. But wow it was good - chocolate fudge brownie!
I am trying to remind myself how silly it is, how life is too short to not let yourself enjoy these things.
But I can’t help but think that maybe I am enjoying myself too much.
A lot of friends who read my blog probably have no idea why I would feel this way over a wonderful day drinking and laughing with friends, but for someone who has been so consumed in their past with body perfection, compulsive exercise, and restrictive eating, weekends like this are a true measure of where I am in my effort to kick that destructive mindset.
Today I can proudly say that despite the crappy feelings I am having about myself, I am in no way going to act on them. That means not increasing my exercise, and not cutting any calories. I am focusing on all the progress I made and the fact that I am so lucky for the amazing weekends I have had this Spring. I am trying to remember that I am more than my body and that I am loved by friends and family for so many other reasons.
It is a little embarrassing to think about what people will think when they read this. But I have written so much about all the great healthy changes I have made in my life, that I would feel like a fraud if I didn’t address some of the tough stuff too.
I mean, come on, I got to dance all night with this girl. Someone who has been a huge inspiration for me over the past year.
And I got to watch Game of Thrones with this guy. Someone who loves me unconditionally every day.
And I got to laugh with these girls. Friends who accept me for my foul sense of humor and ridiculous dance moves.
So today I am going to make a promise to myself to feel better tomorrow.
I may even have more Ben and Jerry’s tonight :)