Monday, June 16, 2014

Fighting the Feelings

This weekend was amazing.  I got to meet one of my favorite bloggers, Caitlin, dined at one of my favorite restaurants, Estadio, and spent Sunday in the sun with drinks and great friends.

But I need to admit that I am having a difficult time today coping with guilt, regret, and the frustration that I haven’t moved beyond some negative feelings today. 

I have made so many positive changes in my life over the past several months.  I have kicked old restrictive eating patterns and started changing my focus from body perfection to self-acceptance.  My weekends lately have been carefree, eating and drinking what I want, and appreciating my stronger, happier body. 

But this Spring has been full of weekend trips, lots of drinking, and more rest days from exercise.  While I have felt good for many weeks – I am feeling pretty bad about myself today.

My pants are feeling really snug and I cannot stop thinking about my lack of self-control yesterday - how I wish I hadn’t had so much to drink, that I should have exercised more, and that I definitely shouldn’t have eaten that Ben and Jerry’s ice cream last night.  But wow it was good - chocolate fudge brownie!

I am trying to remind myself how silly it is, how life is too short to not let yourself enjoy these things. 

But I can’t help but think that maybe I am enjoying myself too much.

A lot of friends who read my blog probably have no idea why I would feel this way over a wonderful day drinking and laughing with friends, but for someone who has been so consumed in their past with body perfection, compulsive exercise, and restrictive eating, weekends like this are a true measure of where I am in my effort to kick that destructive mindset. 

Today I can proudly say that despite the crappy feelings I am having about myself, I am in no way going to act on them.  That means not increasing my exercise, and not cutting any calories.  I am focusing on all the progress I made and the fact that I am so lucky for the amazing weekends I have had this Spring.  I am trying to remember that I am more than my body and that I am loved by friends and family for so many other reasons.

It is a little embarrassing to think about what people will think when they read this.  But I have written so much about all the great healthy changes I have made in my life, that I would feel like a fraud if I didn’t address some of the tough stuff too.

I mean, come on, I got to dance all night with this girl. Someone who has been a huge inspiration for me over the past year.

And I got to watch Game of Thrones with this guy.  Someone who loves me unconditionally every day.

And I got to laugh with these girls.  Friends who accept me for my foul sense of humor and ridiculous dance moves.

So today I am going to make a promise to myself to feel better tomorrow. 

I may even have more Ben and Jerry’s tonight :)


  1. This post brought tears to my eyes, and not just because I am very flattered by you saying I have inspired you! I hope you know that you inspire me, and I honestly was thinking about our dancing and our beverages on Saturday night as they were happening, and marvelling at how far we both have come. I had a boozy brunch the next day and you did your festival thang. You had your ice cream and I still had wine with dinner last night, despite the boozy brunch I'd already enjoyed on the same day. These memories will stay with us forever and I'm so glad I'm not hiding from plans with friends anymore. I'm so glad I'm enjoying the things I am able to do. Yes those blah I feel like crap about myself days come along still more frequently than I'd like. But it's like you said here - you aren't acting on them. You're not punishing yourself physically. The physical punishment leaves us first, and the mental punishment takes WAY longer to get over. But we will get over it, and at least we aren't hurting our bodies anymore. We are enriching our lives! Here's to many nights of dancing!

    1. Aw, I mean it. Your honesty and perspective has given me a lot of strength. You are so right, we have both changed so much for the better. I am so much happier now and I am just trusting that the mental punishment stuff will fade away slowly over time. In the meantime, having a good support system has been key for me. And nights of dancing and drinking great cocktails is definitely a big part of that. Cheers to ice cream and wine on weeknights!